I Only Speak The Truth
1.02.2005
  I got a comment!! Wow! I'm uber excited. I left this for like almost 2 months, and I come back, and there's a comment. Thank you, whoever you were. You made my night!

So I must apologize for the EXTREME lack of updates. I mainly post on nonfiction.dx now cuz it keeps me happy. I love DX and I don't think I'm ever leaving. DLand is growing, but I refuse to go over to them. Evil, evil empire.

I have nothing to say, but I will post more. I promise. Only if it is a double post from NF. Cuz I know most of you don't venture over there. O well. ttfn
 
11.27.2004
  Notre Dame and Peanuts Two topics with nothing to do with each other. Seriously. Notre Dame because that's who's on my TV right now playing USC. I want ND to win, no doubt. Trevor plays for them. Rock on. I think I saw him for like 2 seconds, too. He's either 98 or 95. I remember watching him before he graduated. Incredible football player, but obviously not measuring up to the college level given his extremely limited playing time. Of course, there may be other circumstances as well, which I have to allow for.

Anywho, onto the peanuts. I relize now that I can carry on a comprehensive conversation on the significance of unshelled peanuts in my life. Yes, you may think I'm strange. In fact, you're right. But to me, unshelled peanuts reminds me of that fateful day sitting in the Metradome when everyone was so positive the Twins were going to beat the Yankees and advance to the World Series. Well, they didn't. And I was sitting there with a handful of peanuts, and as I jumped up to celebrate the Yankees' victory with the other ten New York fans, they came spilling out of my hands into the hair and ass crack of the fat ass blonde sitting in front of me who kept getting her hair in my drink. Of course, who could forget the drunk guy, and the guy in front of us with the hangover? If you really want to meet interesting people, go to an early baseball game somewhere. I'm sure any team will do. It takes all types of people to make up the fan base the teams love so much.

So enough about Notre Dame and peanuts. I apologize for my completely relentless rambling on both of those topics. Elton John is on Bravo right now, and I'm not able to watch it. That's why Moxi is my best friend. It's the local version of TiVo. Next summer, I'm off to Vegas and spending the $250 it costs to see him in concert.

But until then, I'm back to football and tetris on my phone. Ttfn.
 
  Snow. Ugh. There's snow on the ground, and I'm not very pleased about this. The one thing I despise about the north is the insanely cold weather when every other part of the country is struggling just to get below 50 degrees. Although, this is the latest we've had our first snow since I moved up here. And it is pretty. It's absolutely stunning when everything is covered. Especially my backyard, considering is 1/4 acre of woods. I feel bad for all the little squirrels and what not still running around out there. They must be cold. Hell, I'm inside in sweatpants and a sweatshirt and I'm cold.

To top it all off, it's still snowing.

I was supposed to go out tonight. I have this feeling I'm not considering I'm not on the best terms with M, the guy I was supposed to go out with. It's such a long and complicated story with him. For one, I've known him a month, or less, and it's turned into purely sex. I don't want that by any means. We got in a spat the other night, and I essentially told him to give me space because, honestly, I was beginning to feel I was being smothered by him. You don't break up with someone you had a 3 1/2 year relationship with all while citing the reason that you need some time by yourself and then immediately find someone who's always there. At first, it was nice, but as time went on, I realized that I had to be on my own. I have to figure out what I want. There's some concerns I've voiced before that I need to come to terms with and see if those options need to be explored. As of right now, I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me. I go to sleep every night wondering if I'm waking up tomorrow. I wonder if I'll be happy, I wonder if I will have the strength to move on. Right now, I don't have the strength, and I must draw from within myself to find it. I don't need someone on the outside who thinks they know me a hell of a lot better than they do to tell me what to do with this.

I'm gonna go. I just woke up and I need food. I'm not sure how I'm hungry because I've been eating non stop for two days now. Oh well. Buh byee.
 
11.26.2004
  How much longer? It's November 27th, and I can't wait much longer to see the one person I've been looking forward to seeing since I left him back in August. It's only a couple more weeks. I know that much. I may prolong it even more just because... it will make it more worthwhile. I really need to sort out my feelings for him. Too many times I've said that I like him too much, and that has been my sole reason for wanting to move on from him. But that is also my reason for not wanting to leave him. Ever. I have one thing he told me planted forever in my mind. He said, at one point in time, that when I'm in college, if I'm here, it's all going to be worth it. That is most of the reason I'm thinking of staying in the Twin Cities for school and living on campus. I don't want to lose him no matter what. Desperate measures for desperate times.

I think I might know what I want to do with my life. I really want to work with people who have AIDS. I think that's one of the few things I might really enjoy doing. Just knowing that I've helped someone by doing whatever will make it all worth it. It's either that, or else I'm gonna be a gay rights activist full time. Why would I want to do that considering I'm a straight female? Well, let's just say there's questions. It's another part of me that needs to be explored, and ever since my induction into the transgendered community, I've never really been completely sure of my sexuality. I've also only shared that with one person, and I don't know if he actually took it seriously. X was open to it, but at the same time, it bothered him. He never said it did, but I could tell. I helped open him up to so many things. That's one reason I don't think I could ever move back to the south. All the prejudice against gays, and people of any different affiliation than theirs is just sickening. It makes life pointless if there's no tolerence. I admit, when I was growing up, I had a severe hatred and confusion toward those in the gay community, but after moving to the north, I learned acceptance. Believe it or not, Rent taught me the basics of everything I know now. I never knew that a work of art could open my eyes to so many different things I was closed off to before. It doesn't hurt I spend so much of my time in the gay community, though.

Okay, time for bed. It's late and I need sleep. G'nite and sleep well.
 
  Favorite Bands... A -Z A. AFI
B. Barenaked Ladies
C. Cowboy Mouth
D. Dave Matthews Band
E. Evenescense
F. Five Iron Frenzy
G. Goldfinger
H. Heather Headly
I. Imani Coppola
J. Jason Mraz
K. Kantorei
L. Lucky Boys Confusion
M. Marilyn Manson
N. No Doubt
O. Offspring
P. Powerman 5000
Q. Queen
R. Rammstein
S. SR71
T. The All-American Rejects
U. Unwritten Law
V. Vines, The
W. Westlife
X. Xenophilia
Y. Yoko Ono
Z. Zebrahead
 
  Shop... Until you drop. 1. What type of shopper are you?
I'm a very compulsive bargain shopper. Most of the time. But I am also very indlugent when I feel half shitty and happen to have the money on me to buy those killer $250 Miss Sixty's I've been oogling over for 3 months now. I also splurge on purses, shoes, and uber cute tank tops.

2. Have you ever gone out of your way to get a deal?
If that means driving all over the Twin Cities to find th best thrift shop and spending more on gas than on what I actually bought, then yes.

3. Do you do your holiday shopping early, or do you procrastinate?
I procrastinate. And I generally find I never have enough money, either.

4. What's the best gift you've ever received?
Mmm, I would say my Ibanez Bass 4 years ago. I miss that thing. I decided to replace it with a 5 string Fender Jazz. Stupid idea. Ibanez is so much better.

5. What's the best gift you've ever given?
I have no idea. I don't keep up with what I give people, and generally, it's a bunch of little things. But I would say the most satisfaction from others comes when they see a box with the label of "Godiva" on it.
 
  Damn Blogger KA just called me. She has K and T as well as some other people over, and she's not surviving too damn well. Long story short, it's hard for her to see the two aforementioned people together. I'll let you piece together why. In it's simplest form, she likes T, and K and T are together, and she happenes to be good friends with K. Yeh, it sux. And I'm the one she calls because I'm more or less an outsider since I don't live there, and the chances of me saying anything to anyone are slim to none. True, I could call up J but why would I? It's be a waste of my time.

I just realized how hard it's going to be to keep track of everyone if I only use initials, so I have a nice little guide made for myself that I can refer to. If you know me and happen to read this, I'm sure you could decipher some on your own as well.

So let's get to the bulk of this. And what's that, you ask? Well, obviously me. I didn't get my own blog to talk about other people. Although, to know me, you must know my friends. Or the people who think they're my friends. It's a long and complicated process that I'm not even sure I'm ready to embark on. I know it needs to be done, because, quite honestly, next year will be too late. I should be seeing someone about all this, but that would mean letting my parents onto what's really going on. I'm not comfortable talking to them about any of this.

For a start, I have this unnatural obsession with the Occult. Like, I don't find it strange, but most others do. I love vampires, I love wicca, and I love everything related to it. I have a fascination with Satanism as well. I'm not Christian in case you haven't picked up on that by those last few comments. I had a friend lend me The Book of Shadows and I've been obsessed ever since. I would love to find a coven near me, but at the same time, I'm scared of what I will find. There's such a difference between reading about something and practicing it in the privacy of your room than going and joining with others. More or less, I don't feel that I know enough to make this public. I would feel uncomfortable having to present myself to a high priestess. I wouldn't know what to do, what to say, or how to carry myself. That is why I must practice in secrect. At least for now. Hopefully, someday, I can join others, and feel as if I am one with them.

That's just a piece of the surface. More later.
 
  Exploration of Self Ello. First entry of many more yet to come. So I hope, anyway. I tend to move around quite quickly. I'm still using one other journal, and this one may wind up to be completely anonymous just so I can explore some topics that I have yet to be able to. There's a lot of questions about myself that need to be answered. Many people may already have an idea of what the issues are considering my background and the issues I've taken interest in. For example, gender identity is a huge one. As is the gay community and the advancement of AIDS research, funding, and programs. I strongly believe that AIDS is a political problem that can be dealt with given enough force and influence. With this administration currently in office, we won't get shit done, but maybe someday we can accomplish something. So many say the reign of the democrats is over. God, I hope not. Say buh bye to gay rights, and rights for most anyone else besides that 1% of the world who happens to carry all the money.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but I won't for now. Not until my anonynimity (sp?) is established on here. More lata. Thanks for reading.
 

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